ease
by rantywoman
When I thought of having kids in my twenties, I wanted far more financial security (and thus ease) before it would seem desirable to me, and that day never really came. In terms of my financial fears, they were along the lines of this piece:
My husband and I have good jobs, a supportive family and a happy home. We both enjoy being around children and find babies unfailingly adorable.
Still, financial security is a very high priority. My worry that I may not always be able to guarantee that for my family is a major factor in my decision-making, although it’s hardly the only consideration. And while I may never feel financially at ease enough to comfortably afford children of my own, I take heart in knowing that my husband and I will be able to give an extra boost to the young people in our lives we already know and love, and the others that we will grow to love.
Part of what I imagine makes parenting so hard is the challenge of making financial compromises, and the emotional fallout from those choices. It must be difficult to accept that no matter how you set aside your own interests, you cannot afford the very best of everything for your child.
thebitterbabe 
Thank you for posting that article. I was just battling some depression this morning regarding my beliefs (and yes, despair) that I can not afford a child– reading that I am not alone really helps. Especially the part that this is coming from a young wife considered affluent.
Ranty
Would you ever consider a guest post? I have so many thoughts/feelings/emotions regarding affording children; it would be a great help to share them and possibly get feedback.
Please let me know if this something of interest to you. My email is abbysaco323@gmail.com ( not real name!)
Thanks!
Sure, I’ll send you an email.
I do not mean to troll your blog, I really don’t, but I have to challenge this. What does “give your child the very best of everything” even mean? I live in the USA, but I have lived in other, much poorer countries, too. Do you know what I have observed? The familial bonds in the poorer countries were much stronger; children loved and revered their parents, not because of how much designer-label clothing and Mommy-and-Me classes the parents gave them, but because their parents cherished, cared for, protected, and took the time to raise them. There is a strong sense of loyalty. I do not believe that everyone must choose to have children, but if the only reason someone chooses not to have children is because they might not be able to give their child a lexus lifestyle, then that is a sad indictment of a narcissistic, loveless culture.
I agree that children in poor countries can, in certain ways, be better behaved and better off, and I’ve often thought that, even in this country, having a solid parent-child emotional connection can make up for a lot. But there are certain things, living in this culture, I would have liked to be able to provide a child, such as a good education and a financial safety net and a life that did not entail being shuffled off to day care at six weeks. At the same time, I do think, again, that a solid relationship with a parent could potentially make up for a lot of that. I’m not sure though that if I were financially stressed I would have the energy to be that good of a parent.
Having spent time in the so-called “third world” myself, I’m not convinced that they are any more moral than Americans. Indeed, I am convinced that they are a lot less moral in many respects.
Bureaucracy, government meddling, and rent-seeking parasitism is FAR, FAR worse in most developing countries than the U.S. If you do not believe me, try starting a business in any one of these places. The “red tape” alone will kill you. Likewise, corruption and nepotism is far worse than the U.S. as well. Indeed, there is a reason why many immigrants have come to the U.S. to start businesses and to create new lives for themselves. This is damn near impossible in much of the rest of the world (East Asian countries being a notable exception).
I’d say my “financial calculations” are different from poorer countries. The first and biggest problem is the first-world problem of living far from relatives, and therefore having to consider day-care. Second, I would like to be a woman who may do something more/in addition to raising a child – yes this could mean having a full-blown career, but also could mean contributing substantially in other ways to the community. Lastly, maintaining health care in the US requires that there is someone responsible holding down a typical full-time job.
In poor countries, many generations are more likely to live in the same house, providing natural child care. Women are likely to have less choice in who they marry and when they marry. The concept of health insurance is foreign.
I’d agree that many families in poorer countries seem to be happier. But I’d also venture to guess that there are women that may not fit the “family” model as naturally, and maybe aren’t as happy in the constraints of tight-knit multi-generational family. Those are the same women who started the feminist movement in the US a long time ago, which brings us to the current choices we have.
Good points about the extended family and also health care in poorer countries. I had both of those in mind too. I lived for a spell in a “Third World” country– it’s a totally different way of life. You can’t really compare it to being poor in the U.S. (although again, it doesn’t mean all “poor” kids here are miserable, just that I was too cautious of a person to take the risk of having kids when finances were shaky).
The multi-generational house hold is way overrated. If you actually spend time in these environments, you will notice the constant bickering that is common to such house-holds, even in societies that place a premium on reserve and polite behavior (e.g. Indonesia).
Americans, by and large, prefer peace and quiet at home. They view the home as a quiet place of refuge from the pressures and hustle-bussle of the outside world. The multi-generational house does not offer this.
There is a reason why multi-generational house-holds go away with continued economic development of any given country.
I think a good relationship with the child is most important. Having the basics is important but I don’t think some of the extras that some people might consider necessities, like private school and saving for college, are in any way requirements or necessities. Ideally, kids need love and guidance, a stable, safe home, healthy food, healthcare, and an adequate education. Some money is needed for those things, true, but how much is up for debate. It depends largely on the lifestyle of the parents I think what they consider enough money and what they consider necessary expenditures.