the darker recesses
by rantywoman
So excited that Alain de Botton is coming out with a new book:
http://www.stylist.co.uk/life/no-sex-please-were-british-stylist-sex-survey#image-rotator-1
Internet Porn
The rise in internet porn has damaged a lot of sex lives. People may find, to their alarm, that their partner’s libido has mysteriously sex vanished. It hasn’t, it’s just been given over to the computer. An unwitting alliance between the IT industry on the one hand and thousands of pornographic content providers on the other has exploited a design flaw of the human mind. A mind originally designed to cope with little more sexually tempting than the occasional sight of a tribeswoman across the savannah is rendered helpless when bombarded by continual invitations to participate in erotic scenarios far exceeding any dreamt up by the diseased mind of the Marquis de Sade. There is nothing robust enough in our psychological make-up to compensate for developments in our technological capacities, nothing to arrest our passionate desire to renounce all other priorities for the sake of a few more minutes (which might turn out to be four hours) in the darker recesses of the web. Porn is so immediate and intense, it destroys our capacity to engage in the far more human and low-key business of actual sex. The best solution may simply be to lock away the computer, and to discuss the temptations with honesty. Porn shouldn’t be spoken of as simply ‘revolting’, it’s nice for some, but in a way that destroys things that are more than simply nice; that are essential to life.
thebitterbabe 
I agree that porn is very problematic and probably does much more harm to both women and men, in different ways, than we can imagine. I also know that the industry is rife with drugs and other anti social behaviors. There is something negative about it that effects those who engage on both sides of the camera. Plus their mates and families. Not anti sex at all, just have this feeling that it is damaging to relationships
just like women dont need men anymore, men dont need women
Porn is helpful in “getting off” but does not satisfy the heart, soul or needs for true intimacy. It actually can ruin these things.
So porn is the same as a relationship with a real person? Because really, that’s the key. We project too many needs onto the partner because our social lives are too fragmented to fulfill most basic human emotional needs. The partner is not nor should be the source of all emotional validation, and subscribing to the “soulmate” all-inclusive myth of relationships has ruined more lives than porn ever will.
I think you are comparing apples and oranges. In my opinion, porn can damage sexuality because it takes over a person’s fantasy life and can make it hard to get excited about a real-life sexual encounter. I do agree with your second sentence, but that’s a whole other thing.
11-B are you addressing my post or user’s post?
I am still getting clarity about porn. Sometimes I think it can spice things up a bit and other times it just feels empty. I know the times I’ve participated in it to spice things up, things got more heated but it wasn’t necessarily joyous or connected sex. Also, to be compared to women with huge breasts, perfect bodies, very youthful…an endless supply of them, I think that is damaging. People do get addicted to porn and that is not healthy for a relationship.
Or, you girls (not personally, I mean in general) could
1. lose weight making men want to sleep with you instead of their hands and
2. be truly equal to men and just have sex instead of attaching strings and making men jump through hoops.
Then you’d run the internet porn out of business because you’d be competitive. But something tells me that isn’t going to happen because men and women really aren’t the same, despite what you’ve been told by Wymin Studeez 101.
Regardless, I thoroughly enjoy watching you ladies trying to sort it out in your 40’s. Toodles!
You trolls shouldn’t be so mean to the bitter babe.
Captain…I am on this blog because of the discussion of emotional issues. I promise you, I have no problem getting my bf excited for sex (not fat at all) and I am still attracting that kind of attention in my mid 40s from other men. That is not the issue. And even in relationships where the woman is a “10” porn still does damage. Look deeper and stop making assumptions.
What effect do you think romance novels and movies have had on the expectations of women?
The impact is just as bad as the impact of porn.
I agree that romance novels and movies can be problematic in terms of expectations (I’m good friends with enough gay men now to realize the male brain isn’t exactly on that track), but I think that is a different ball of wax.
Haha. My bf calls this “girl porn”. haha. Just to let you know Manomamission, not all of us subscribe to romance novels or “romcoms” for guidance in our relationships. To me they are meaningless. Some of us want and desire real life, the real thing. Not a fantasized life.
Unless women start to at least try to empathize with men’s disgust to female obesity and at least make a good faith effort to lose weight, expect this to continue.
Only extraordinarily rare women such as Grerp and GirlWritesWhat try to put themselves in our shoes and attempt to see things from our perspective. Sadly, this post and its comments only add to confirmation that women feel that they should just be able to demand things to make them feel better regardless of reality. They simply cannot be bothered to look at the world except from their own perspective.
Ummmmm… I don’t believe you have read this blog if you are making the assumption that I am physically unfit.
Also, I think you completely missed the point of the post. Which was written by a man.
Reading comprehension is a lost art.
I can understand men’s lack of attraction to overweight women just as I can sympathize with women’s lack of attraction to an unfit mate. I don’t believe we argued for that at all. Did you read all the posts?
beta_plus….your post makes no sense.
1) which women are obese? Who on earth are you talking about? I have never met an obese woman in my life (and I’m serious).
2) A blog written by a woman is about a woman’s perspective – why on earth should it be about men – or Specifically “men’s disgust to obesity” ?
3) Since when is “disgust to obesity” solely a male perspective? I’m a woman and I cannot abide obesity in women OR men. And a obese man would – ugh – carry no (and I mean no) appeal whatsoever.
With regard to the online porn angle – personally, I can’t see the problem (and as an aside, new research has shown that women in Porn are healthier with better esteem than most women).
If people don’t want to look at porn, they they shouldn’t – I don’t watch it and certainly not for “four hours” – but I don’t think it’s unhealthy or takes away from relationships. Most men will want to look at porn sometimes, why is this wrong? If we had a better attitude to sexuality this wouldn’t be an issue. Also, it can spice up relationships. I would say I’m a feminist (humanist) and I have no problem with porn at all. as it relates to grown men and women. I think this idea that it somehow dehumanizes women etc., is ridiculous. Some men will objectify women etc – but these will do it with or without porn! My only issue with online porn is access my young people/young boys who will have a skewed and entirely unrealistic view of women/sex etc. and therefore of their perception of their female peers.
As with anything, I think moderation is the key. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but I do worry about it habituating people so that they can only “get off” to porn and not to their own, original fantasies or to a real person.
Thanks Mia for taking the time to write such a thoughtful comment. I had to trash two more male comments on this post because they were so misogynistic.
It’s interesting– the two posts that have attracted such a large amount of male attention are this one on porn and the one on Beth Ditto, who is a large woman. I myself am fit and like to date fit men but don’t agree with the fat-shaming that a lot of men indulge in. There seems to be this close-minded mantra amongst some of these men of “porn good, fat women bad” that doesn’t pause to consider other ideas, like the ones de Botton is writing about here.
I love porn. Curling up with my boyfriend and looking at some well curated porn tumblers can be awesome pre-foreplay. It makes us both hornier. Some even give us ideas. But then again, we are also bisexual, non-monogamous and not insecure. Porn is a win win win.
ha! well said.